Thursday, October 24, 2024 at 10 a.m.

i have entered a place where Gratitude resides.
That includes the Gratitude for the events of the past that seemed devastating at the time.
i can't help but to reflect back to the spring of 1994 (30 years ago!), when not much was known about breast cancer.

Of all days, on the morning of my 50th birthday, the silence was broken...not by anyone wishing me a Happy Birthday but by a voice of a doctor confirming a breast cancer diagnosis. Anger and fear followed!

Three years later…
i have written my first poem and bravely submitted “Blessed to Survive” for publication to a local newspaper, Providence Journal.
A few days later, the phone rang and a voice of a stranger asked if he was speaking with Marina. i told him that it was not polite to call at dinner hour and hang up the phone.
When the next day i checked my email, there was a message from the publisher of Providence Journal, saying that he was trying to reach me by phone to let me know that he wanted to speak with me about my poem “Blessed to Survive” but i hung up on him.
Intrigued, i called him back and we both laughed, with him saying how much he too disliked phone calls from strangers. Then saying that Providence Journal will publish my poem.
As you can imagine,
i couldn’t believe my ears and asked him to repeat…
Mind you, when i get nervous my accent becomes more pronounced and he kept on asking me to repeat what i said…we laughed again and set up an appointment to meet at his office. The rest is history only to being repeated at a much later time…

Here is the original poem as published on October 24, 1997:

BLESSED TO SURVIVE

The Narrow River basked in the dusk.
The end of the spring forthcoming.
Half a century past.

The silence was broken by wireless trace,
Robbing the stillness of its effortless grace.
I raced to halt the noise
Hoping to hear a greeting voice singing to me
“Happy Birthday” song.
The breathless silence seemed so wrong.
The voice of my doctor
Crashed through the line.
I did not pray.
I did not cry.
I was afraid to hear the truth.
I needed him to lie.

My mind was draped while searching for clues
On how to deal with assaulting news.
The cancer was pleading to be my best friend.
The time had become senseless quick sand,
Putting me through another test.

I have consciously done all that I could
To prevent cancer from forming the root.
I weathered betrayal: the pirate of trust.
My resistance was frail.
The cancer advanced.
I truly believe my emotions have been
The trigger for this rape to begin.

I tried to convince myself
There must be a mistake
That all of a sudden my life was at stake.
I asked for some wisdom.
There was not a whisper.
I could not allow myself to feel.
Pretending I knew how to defy my fear.
Clinging to wishes to endure new truth,
I reached out to hope.
It had cut itself loose.

In a timid morning light,
Lapsing in after the night,
I was no longer free to hold on to reality.
Like a leaf.
Falling away from the tree.
Aligned with the myth of security.

My heart was pulled into bosom of void.
The abandonment ruled
Over my life’s ingenious ploy.
Far in the past, I adopted the pain.
My self-respect was not yet born.
To dignity I had no claim.
I stumbled in darkness in search for my truth.
But all I could find was more of obtuse.

I tried to tear my self from anger,
To break connection with the fear.
It erupted in my face,
Demanding new meaning for my life’s pace.
Familiar feeling.
I’m all alone.
Falling down.
I lost control.

When I opened my eyes,
I felt helpless and weak.
Thinking my life has been only a trick.
The balloons and the flowers came into view.
I breathed in.
My life has been renewed.

I felt the energy of love.
My friends were there.
Most comforting sight.
They held me in their hearts.
They helped me to restore my hope.
They gave me courage to care,
So I could hold my fort and fight.
For life that didn’t seem so fair.

I owe myself
To take control of of my life
That cancer has torn.
I owe myself
Not to forlorn
Any feelings that I own.
I owe myself to retrieve the hope.
It has the power to heal and help me cope.
I owe myself to be brave in a fight
For the privilege
Of finding the meaning of inner light.

I choose
To remember the year left behind
For joy my friends brought me.
I am blessed to survive.

~ Marina ~